Oh boy. Don’t we all harbor a secret hope that one day, we’ll find someone who will mend the cracks left by our childhood wounds? We dream of someone who will give us what we didn’t receive growing up, someone who will heal the lingering & ever present unmet longings. Yet, we typically fall in love with someone who ends up being perfectly equipped by their own life-stories to bring those same old patterns to
the surface.
So here we are, in our deepest & closest relationships, finding ourselves re-injured in exactly the same ways we were hurt as children. But what if the beauty of a good marriage isn’t in avoiding these old wounds but in walking along side each other in such a way that they can be healed, and our stories redeemed? Marriage presents a unique opportunity—a chance to experience these wounds reopening, but, because we are now adults, together on this journey of growth, we can do something different. We have resources within us that we didn’t have access to as children. Together we have the resources our families didn’t provide. This enables us to respond in new ways. By behaving differently in those moments we find ourselves activated, we can invite our partners to do the same. Instead of reenacting the same painful scenarios, we find ourselves having corrective experiences. These new experiences create new pathways of health in our brains, therefore reshaping our lives. This
is what we can participate in with one another to bring about true change so we can thrive.
Or, we can remain stuck in the damaging, familiar dance. Haven’t you tried desperately to make your partner stop their bad behavior and give you (well….demand, actually) what you felt like you deserved? I know I
have. Or maybe you stopped trying and are stuck behind a wall. These old and well worn dance moves fuel misery and disconnection, breeding resentment and anger and ultimately loneliness. We get no where. We find ourselves in the same darned place we started. We become reactive, demanding that they change, just as we once wished our parents would, or resigning to it all like our friend Eeyore. But neither way works. In fact, if you look at most of your triggered moments & arguments, they all have a similar color. We keep dancing the same dance. The same dance that didn’t work the last 100 times we tried it.
This is because we are expecting our partners to tend to our wounded parts, and this doesn’t work. No matter how hard you try to get THEM to take care of that part of you, or hope that they finally will be there for you, it all lands flat. Or worse, it ends up volatile, damaging the threads of beauty we do have in our relationship.
Tending to the wounded parts of ourselves is incredibly necessary. And it’s OUR job. WE must tend to our own wounds, stop our knee-jerk childish reactions, and show up as the grown-ups that we are. We need to stop flinging the wounded child part of ourselves onto our spouse or friends. We are the ones who need to show up for our wounded child self.
So we need to do something different in those emotional, heated, reactive moments. For it is then that we can create the possibility for our partners to do something different too. When YOU respond with love, maturity, and connection, your partner may mirror that behavior, as well. Together, you can begin to heal those childhood wounds, creating a relationship that is not a mirror image of the past, but rather a new Monet painting that is full of color and beauty.
The first new dance step is yours to do.
In those reactive moments, every muscle in your body will want to react in the same, familiar, well-traveled ways. We want, more than anything, to get THEM to change or every fiber in our body wants to shut down to protect ourselves. Resist that urge. Do something new. Take the first step.
I know it is a slow journey, but let me tell you from my own experience, it is a worthwhile journey to embark on!
And it can not be done alone. All of us were wounded in relationships growing up. And we can only be healed through the beauty of relationship as well. Finding a good relationship coach and joining a coaching group can be incredibly helpful to move past our old dance into a new one. It gives us the space outside of our marriages to work on our wounded histories and receive encouragement and guidance so we can bring goodness into the parts of our marriage that need it. Building relationships outside of our marriages supports the growth
within our marriage.
Choose the path of healing. Choose to respond differently. And watch how your relationship transforms into a space of true connection where you each flourish in ways you never thought possible.
It is possible.