Messy relational situations (We are human. We all have them.) often leave us feeling powerless.
Misunderstandings, conflict & loss of relationship can cause us to swirl & shift into panic overdrive. We feel as if we have lost our self & start grasping for control.
In those moments, we often try to calm the swirl inside by fixing something outside: sending one more text, explaining one more time, checking social media, recruiting allies, or firing off the angry message we’ll regret later. The sense of panic overrides our day.
The problem?
These very familiar moves only bring temporary relief, followed by more consequences. And where does it all end up? You guessed it. Right back where we started—with more pain or confusion and less peace.
But there is another way to navigate the messy that life brings our way.
Outcome-Driven vs. Values-Driven
- Outcome-driven living: “I’ll be okay only if the situation resolves, we reconcile, or they finally understand me.”
- Values-driven living: “I can’t control their response or the situation, but I can choose the kind of person I am while I walk through this. I can choose how to live today.”
Outcomes are never guaranteed. But values can always be chosen. Today. Even in the middle of the chaos or discomfort.
Words like these capture the shift from outcome vs values based living.
- Goal: “I want my spouse/friend to finally understand why I’m hurt.”
- Values: “I want to be honest, curious, respectful, and courageous, even if they don’t respond the way I hope.”
Or:
- Goal: “I want to get this job.”
- Values: “I want to show up prepared, confident, honest, and fully myself, regardless of whether I get the job.”
So, how do we live a values based life?
Feel → Pause → Reflect → Values → Action
Here is a powerful pattern to shift from outcome to values based living. It guides you and puts you back in charge of your life, even when your emotions are intense and the relationship or situation is painful.
- Feel
- Notice what’s happening inside: tight chest, urge to text, impulse to explain, longing, anger, fear, panic.
- Remember, emotions are information, not instructions
- Pause
- Create a gap between feeling and doing by thinking:
- “I’m having the thought that I need to text right now.”
- “I’m noticing I feel panicked right now.”
- This pause breaks the automatic loop that often leads to the reactivity that ultimately makes the situation worse.
- Create a gap between feeling and doing by thinking:
- Reflect Once you name your feeling & pause, you can move into your Wise Mind rather than behaving in a reactive way. It is kind of like having 2 little shoulder angels. One on the right. One on the left. Our emotion mind & our wise mind. They sound like this:
- The Emotion Mind says:
- “I’m devastated, I have to do something right now.”
- The Logic Mind says:
- “I should be fine, this shouldn’t bother me.”
- The Wise Mind (that’s you in the middle of the two shoulder angels): honors both emotion and reason, then chooses a response or behavior that fits your values by asking:
- What is my emotion telling me to do?
- Would acting on that urge move me toward or away from the person I want to be?
- The Emotion Mind says:
- Act from Values, Not Panic
- You can be angry without attacking.
- You can feel rejected without chasing.
- You can feel grieved without over-apologizing.
- You can feel confused without jumping in to fix it.
- You can be heartbroken without abandoning your own life.
To prepare for acting from your values during these moments & situations, spend some time during the calm moments to reflect on your values. What are they? Write a list of them on your notes app to pull up as needed. Name specific values that matter to you. Is it dignity, courage, faithfulness, humility, curiosity, compassion, stability, honesty, kindness, hospitality, Let those values—not urgency, fear, or shame—choose your next step.
This is not passive. Rather, it’s a quiet, fierce owning of your life.
When chronic conflict or relationship loss hits, it’s easy to feel like your entire life now hangs on someone else’s willingness to connect, their understanding, or apology. You become powerless because of somebody else’s behavior. But we own our lives. We are responsible for ourselves. I am responsible for me & you are responsible for you. When we give that away to someone else’s choices, treatment of us, opinion of us, we lose control of our lives. We lose a part of our ‘one wild and precious life’ (Mary Oliver).
- You may not be able to control:
- Whether they respond the way you would like
- What they believe
- How they tell the story
- But you can control:
- How you speak
- How you behave
- How you live out your values in work, art, friendships, spirituality, and daily routines
In other words: Whatever the struggle, it is still workable when you return to your values, stay in the here-and-now, and respond to reality as it is—not as you wish it was or could be. Every values-based choice is a quiet act of holding on to your power. This is not power over someone else. This is your own personal power. It’s really all we have power over anyway. I can’t change you. I can only change me. And how do I want to change? I want to live everything – the good and the hard -according to my values.
So, I invite you to join me & build the habit of the following:
When you feel activated by something hard that happens:
- Name one feeling as precisely as you can (not just mad, sad or glad) by saying, “I’m having the thought that I have a longing, feel powerless, lonely, embarrassed, abandoned, rejected, scared, panicked…”
- Name one value you want to live from in the next 24 hours. “I want to live out my value of courage, kindness, steadiness, self-respect, beauty, hospitality….”
- Choose one small action that expresses that value
- Go for a walk and notice the beautiful world instead of texting.
- Invite someone over for dinner or a cup of tea instead of checking your Instagram feed.
- Take out your paint brushes and paint to your heart’s content.
If living your life to its fullest is one of your values (and I hope it is!!!) do all the wonderful everyday things like reading, making art, movement, prayer, time in nature, making good food, doing the next chore that is waiting for you. Do what you CAN do, and find the simple joy in it.
This won’t fix the relationship or resolve the problem in front of you. It won’t take the messy out of this gorgeous and unpredictable life. But it will strengthen your relationship with yourself and make life meaningful again.
And one word to those who have experienced the deepest, deepest loss. The loss of a loved one. And especially the loss of a child.
There is no easy way through that kind of loss. It is my prayer that you find a moment of breath for your wounded soul in developing this practice for yourself.
Two of my dearest friends, who each lost a child, Lily and Jen, talk of living in a constant state of ‘joyful sorrow’. The every-moment pain of losing their children will never go away or even really soften. And I have seen that they are each guided by their values EVERY MOMENT. It’s how they survive each day.
Their values anchor those two mamma’s as they live each day. Maybe more now than ever.
And perhaps that is what values can do for all of us. They don’t take away the pain. They don’t change reality. But they can give us something to hold onto as we walk through the hard.
I would love to hear from you! What is one small action you took this week that expressed your values?