Vulnerability was the topic of last month’s Group coaching session, and honestly, it was one of those topics that generated a lot of conversation and a lot of aha moments.
So, what is vulnerability?
Vulnerability is the willingness to reveal what is true about ourselves—our feelings, needs, struggles, weaknesses, and mistakes—in order to grow and create deeper, safer relationships. There are two realms in which vulnerability takes place in. Our professional world & our personal world.
Professionally, vulnerability might look like acknowledging a mistake, admitting that something is difficult, asking for help, sharing an idea that feels a little risky, or acknowledging how we are showing up at work.
Personally, it is talking honestly about something happening in our life, acknowledging a struggle, sharing something from our history, admitting a need, or allowing someone on our Life Team to see a part of us that we normally keep hidden.
Professional vulnerability generally belongs in professional relationships, while deeper personal vulnerability belongs with people who have earned a place on our Life Team.
Vulnerability is not just a personal growth issue. It is a leadership issue.
When people are able to be appropriately vulnerable with one another, something important happens: problem solving & team engagement has a better chance of emerging.
Instead of everyone trying to look competent, confident, and completely fine, people can talk about what is actually happening. This opens up the door to work on real solutions. Think about a team where people feel safe enough to say, “I think we missed something,” or “I’m struggling with this,” or “I have an idea, but I’m not sure it will work.” That kind of environment is very different from one where everyone feels they have to have the right answer or never make mistakes.
Vulnerability is a skill we can grow in. One way we practiced this in our Group was by looking at five areas where we can take a relational risk:
Mistake:
What is something I did recently that I wish I had handled differently?
Struggle:
What is something I’m currently having a hard time with or that keeps showing up?
Weakness:
What is a pattern or limitation in me that tends to get in my way?
Need:
What is something I genuinely need from others right now but may have difficulty acknowledging or asking for?
Emotion:
What emotion have I been experiencing that I may be tempted to minimize, hide, or manage rather than acknowledge?
These can sound like simple questions, but answering them honestly, and then choosing to share them vulnerably, takes a significant bit of courage 🙂
One of the skills we talked about is taking initiative. We don’t always have to wait for someone else to ask us the perfect question before we tell the truth about what is going on inside us. We can bravely bring up our tender piece.
How do we do it? It is as simple as letting someone know….”Hey. Do you have a minute? …. I have something I want to share that feels very vulnerable for me…..”
What Do We Do When Someone Is Vulnerable With Us? When someone shares something that is tender to them, our first instinct can be to start talking. We may want to fix it, encourage them, tell them why it isn’t that bad, or even become defensive if what they are sharing involves us. (Umm. I’m in the same boat with you! Learning how to stay present when I just want to jump in and help.) What they really need is to simply know, “I hear this tender part of you, and I am with you.”
That doesn’t mean I agree with everything they are saying. Nor does it mean I have to take responsibility for their feelings. It means I can be present without losing myself. If you have a tendency to feel overwhelmed when someone shares deeply with you, take a minute to remind yourself the following:
- I can feel with them without falling in the well with them.
- I can enter their experience without losing my own sense of being grounded.
- I can care deeply without owning what belongs to them.
That is called detached compassion—being truly and deeply connected while remaining grounded in my own self.
What gets in the way of being vulnerable? As we talked about vulnerability, we also looked at the ways our own growth edges can make vulnerability difficult.
- If we are lower on the capacity of Attachment, we may be afraid of rejection or abandonment. “If you really knew me, you might leave me.”
- If we are lower on the capacity of Separation/Boundaries, we may be afraid that if we open up, we will be overwhelmed by someone else’s emotions. “If I tell you how I feel, now I’ll have to deal with your reaction, too.”
- If we are lower on the capacity of Integration, we may have difficulty facing or accepting what is actually true about ourselves. Vulnerability can require us to acknowledge our mistakes, weaknesses, grief, or conflicting emotions. “I only want you to see the strong, put-together parts of me.”
- If we are lower on the capacity of Adulthood, we may struggle to take responsibility for our own feelings and needs. We may use vulnerability to get someone to fix, rescue, reassure, or change for us. “If I tell you how much this hurts me, you need to do something about it.”
What vulnerability is not…This was probably one of the most important parts of our conversation.
- Vulnerability is not transparency While transparency is honest & true, vulnerability takes it a step deeper. It has that tiny edge of needing a bit of courage to present a more tender part of ourselves.
- It is not unbridled self expression, enabling us to say everything I feel whenever I feel it.
- It is not expecting others fix anything, agree with me, or change.
- It is not handing someone my unprocessed emotions while expecting them to manage them for me.
- And this one is especially important: Vulnerability should never be used as a way to manipulate another person. That can happen when we share something vulnerable in order to create obligation, avoid accountability, get reassurance, control someone’s behavior, bypass a boundary, make ourselves look good or gain sympathy.
Practicing Vulnerability: The more I teach and coach, the more convinced I become that these concepts aren’t meant to be only understood in theory. We need to experience them with people. We need to practice them with people.
That is one of the unique things about the framework of a Group Coaching day. We have the opportunity to learn a concept, see what it looks like in real relationships, experience others practicing it, and then try it ourselves in a safe and supportive environment. It is through these new experiences being practiced in healthy ways that we develop the confidence and skills to take what we’ve learned beyond the group and into our workplace, marriage, friendships and families.
What stuck out to you today as you read this? I would love to hear from you!